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Post by samplestiltskin on Jul 18, 2004 14:56:40 GMT -5
Man, this sucks. I hate talking about myself all the time cos I'm obviously very self-absorbed.. but I need to talk to someone about this. This is just one of those points inm y life where I don't have any good options and everything I do is wrong.
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Post by Proud on Jul 18, 2004 15:07:59 GMT -5
a lot of us feel that way sometimes.
and usually, only sometimes. but talking often makes things feel better. nice to have human communication.
*turns head and watches someone throw things at forrest gump*
well, that was weird.
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Post by samplestiltskin on Jul 18, 2004 15:12:05 GMT -5
lol. well i spose i should get going to his parrents' house for a night of weirdness. i get to meet his legendary sister, who is visiting from kentucky. gotta wonder how much he's told her about me and WHAT he said.. you take care of yourself, and do something fun. make muffins and watch invader zim or something.
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Post by Proud on Jul 18, 2004 15:13:39 GMT -5
nah, no nick for me. not recently, anyway. old school nick's where it's at! ... i'll probably continue downloading some songs, and then go do sit ups in the rain without my shirt on or some crazy b.s. like that.
take care!
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Post by Kensterberg on Jul 18, 2004 15:15:10 GMT -5
samples -- I am so sorry to hear about your downturn. Please, go see a professional (read: psychiatrist). Depression is (as I'm sure you know) a physical disease, which manifests itself through mental symptoms. Having been there many times myself, I really think the best way out of the way you're feeling right now is a combination of medication (it's amazing what modern drugs can do) and cognitive therapy. You really don't have to feel this way, but you do have to commit to what it will take to feel better.
And this is my generic advice for anyone dealing with depression for more than a week or two: GET HELP! I nearly died (several times) because I wasn't willing to admit that this was something I couldn't work my way out of. Depression isn't just something that you can "get over" or "get past" -- it's an insidious and devastating disease that will take your life away if you give it a chance.
And don't downplay how much you mean to the people around you, including the folks here on the boards. As I've gotten better, I've been amazed by just how worried people around me were, and how much it would have devastated them if I'd "opted out" of things. People really do care about you, including people you've never met in real life, but who've been talking to you for years on-line.
Gotta go ... take care all.
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Post by strat-0 on Jul 18, 2004 16:18:11 GMT -5
Samps - you're not alone. Please try to remember there will be brighter days ahead, no matter the pain. That's the only thing that kept me going a time or two. Ken's words are wise. Part of the problem to me is that when you're feeling that way, you just don't give a shit, so it's hard to be proactive in getting out of it. Haven't figured that one out yet...
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Post by samplestiltskin on Jul 18, 2004 19:02:45 GMT -5
Awwwww, guys! You are amazing. I’m so glad I know you all. Even if it doesn’t make sense to me that people give a shit, it’s something I need to be reminded of.
Um. Right after I finished that post, I left to go to B’s parents’ house. And about 10 miles out, my CV axle went out. I thought I was going to die right then, seriously. Luckily I was RIGHT by an exit, pulled off to a gas station, and that’s where my car is now. I just got home. I thought it was The End, you know, like I should just kill myself then and there. I don’t have any money, I’ve got rent coming up in about ten days, and now this. (Obviously I don’t do well in emergency situations!) But I called my mom, and she said I could ask my aunt for like $2000, pay her back when I get a job and stuff.... and I just realized, things always work out. Yeah, it's shitty and seems to just keep getting shittier, but this is a CYCLE, it always has been.
Ken, about therapy. A few nights ago my roommate actually said he wanted me to start seeing a therapist as soon as I had some money. I guess I should, I just hardly ever meet any that are really good for me. But you’re right; I can’t get out of this alone. I do need help. So HOPEFULLY, my aunt will lend me the money, and I can maybe start seeing someone. I feel weak and stupid for seeing that I should be getting out of this by myself and that I’m perfectly capable of it but still don’t... but yeah, maybe I just need a little help.
I love you guys! Feel pretty silly that stuff that got me all depressed, I mean, it must seem like silly trifling stuff to you guys; and yet you’re so genuinely caring. I don’t get it, but I’ll accept it. You’re so good for me. I hope you know how much I appreciate you all.
::::meanders off into mushy burble-land:::::
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Post by Proud on Jul 18, 2004 19:06:14 GMT -5
hey, just remember... there's no reason NOT to care!
love, balloons, and (random animals you like here)!
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Post by samplestiltskin on Jul 18, 2004 19:17:42 GMT -5
Great Danes. A nice Dane would do me wonders right now. Where is ekul when you need him...  I really would like a dog. They're so comforting. Even a cat. I want my mama!! I want my mama the way she was 12 years ago. As it is, internet friends and a very old teddy bear will have to do.  |
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slick7
Struggling Artist
Posts: 136
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Post by slick7 on Jul 18, 2004 21:06:02 GMT -5
samples, please take kens advice and get some help. depression is such a complex thing...theres a dynamic involvement of each persons unique biological and environmental factors..and a professional would really be able to help you. i know that theres still the whole stigma of psychiatrists, but if you have a heart condition you go to a cardiologist. so if you have a mood disorder you go to a psychiatrist. kens right when he says that it's a physical thing. our biological makeup is so unique..and so are the ways we develop our coping mechanisms. some people have a temperament that predisposes them to depression or anxiety. some people learn helplessness or distort interpretations of the things that go on around them. depression isn't something that you can just pull yourself out of. if it were as easy as saying, "get a grip and be happy" i wouldn't have a job. and you arent weak for seeking help..in fact the very opposite is true..you are strong. i don't know you, samples, but just from the post of yours that i have read..theres so much good in you.
I don’t want to try to lift myself up anymore because the main reason I was doing it was to be worth his love.
and you don't need to become someone you're not, in order to be "worth" someones love. you are worth it..for who you are already. you don't have to do anything to gain anybodys love and approval.
what makes you find comfort in being sad? why do you feel that you don't deserve to be happy?
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Post by Meursault on Jul 18, 2004 21:39:39 GMT -5
I don't know if i'd ever go to a head doctor, i don't trust em.
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Post by samplestiltskin on Jul 19, 2004 10:02:08 GMT -5
So you’re a psychologist, slick? I don’t want to make you get all professional on these message boards when you could be getting paid to do it in your own life... this is your escape, after all! But I do appreciate what you said, very much.
What makes me find comfort in being sad? From the time I was 14 I’ve been sad. It just feels natural to me by now, and if I attempt to contradict my thought patterns (interpreting things around me in certain negative ways, for instance) it feels just like I’m lying to myself. It’s so ingrained. B is helping me to see that I DO need to pull myself out of this muckhole that feels so comfortable, but there’s no one who can really help me do that. It has to be me that does that, and my main problem will be really and truly WANTING to pull myself out.
It’s not really about deserving to be happy. I just feel like the truth of the matter is that I can never be. And I know, it’s simply a distorted illusion I’ve created for myself, and there really IS hope if I just let it in. It’s just hard. It’s the fucking hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Things have always come easily to me. Straight A’s with no effort. Make friends with no effort. Now all of a sudden I’m having to work my ass off for what I want, and it’s NOT instant gratification, and it gets very discouraging. I like fast results. This is not a fast result type of thing. It’s going to take patience and hard work, and in order to stick through it, I’m really going to have to WANT it. I’ll never be able to relax or I’ll slip back into the hole. Every time I have an unreasonable negative thought pattern, I have to turn around and fight it. That’s where I need help. That’s the reason I’d see a therapist.
As far as being “worth” this guy’s love, well... He always says to me that I can’t love someone else truly until I love myself, and that he doesn’t like to be around me when I hate myself. Which is perfectly understandable. Nobody likes to be around the downers. So, I was working very hard to be happy and healthy. Last night he said some very kind things, about how I’m very important in his life and he really wants me to be happy. So that helped too. I guess I’m not gonna give up. It’s obvious that people care, and maybe just by being around them I’ll learn to care too.
We had sex last night. “Casual sex” to use his term. He’s so confused, poor guy.
Damn, I apologize for running my mouth off all about me me me. Please, someone else talk about their problems! I must be a giver and not a taker!!
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slick7
Struggling Artist
Posts: 136
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Post by slick7 on Jul 19, 2004 10:26:47 GMT -5
samples, i'm not a psychologist, but i am a psychiatric nurse so i do have professional training concerning these issues. i'm not talking to you as a nurse though..but, as a friend. you seem like a really sweet girl, and i've walked in your shoes before..i battled depression big time when my cousin was killed in a car accident. i know the pain and anguish that it causes. i know how you feel all alone, and that nobody understands what you are going through. and it is easy to wallow in a deep black hole, and you feel helpless and hopeless.
you're right..you do have to want to do this for yourself. you can't do it for anybody else, because until you do it for yourself, its not going to work.
samples, dear, i know you say you love this guy, but please don't allow him to use you for "casual sex". the very fact that he refered to it as that bothers me. i'm not being judgemental..if people want to have casual sex..thats their business. so i'm not coming down on that. but i dont want him to use your love for him as a vulnerability, and a way for him to get laid.
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Post by Meursault on Jul 19, 2004 10:27:46 GMT -5
you just need to find what you love to do in life, and fuck anyone who gets in your way. If your unhappy, so what, we weren't meant to be Teletubbies, experience the fullness of life. Most importantly keep your options open, and don't peddle into anything you think you might regret. Shalalala.
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Post by Proud on Jul 19, 2004 14:53:45 GMT -5
there's something to be said for that, sir salt. ... i don't know what it is, but there IS something to be said for that. ... yes. *clap*
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