the happy/depression topic

[samplestiltskin]

Yeah, I’m quite confused as to this guy’s definitions of a relationship. He’s willing to care deeply, to be happy if I’m happy, to go everywhere with me, to get upset if I ditch him, to have sex with me.... How exactly is this not a relationship? He doesn’t want to date other people. Frankly I don’t understand how he can sit there and say he doesn’t want a relationship with me when he’s pretty much got one and isn’t doing anything to nix it.



One of my friends pointed out that this "I don't want a relationship" thing pretty much started after a pregnancy scare about a week ago. Wonder if that contributed. You'd think he wouldn't be asking for sex after that if that was the issue though. Plegh. This all sounds so teenage drama to me.

Didn’t really mean to turn this into a relationship board. And I feel like the only one complaining around here. You well-adjusted/stoic fuckers.

[Proud]

not a problem, just keep on talking, madam samples. that's what i created this topic for. if you're having emotional difficulities, the best thing to do is to talk about them, and perhaps get some advice.

i'd offer some, but i can't relate. looking at life now, i never want to get married, have a "partner", etc. i actually have no experience as far as that stuff goes, so i'll leave it to the "pros".

[samplestiltskin]

Oh yeah, at this point I'm still only 21 but I've no intention of ever getting married. I figure if you find someone you truly love, you don't need some legal bond to hold you together. As far as having a partner, well, it just feels nice. I'm wondering if that's just too much of a hassle to really be worth it though. Especially when I'm as emotionally unstable as I am currently.

This board has saved my life these last few days.

[slick7]

samples, to me it sounds as though this guy is enjoying the benefits of a relationship without really being in a "relationship" as he would define it. he just got out of a serious relationship so he's probably hesitant to put himself out there in fear of rejection or just not being able to emotionally attach himself to another girl right now.

[samplestiltskin]

So what do I do? Really, I'm quite at a loss.

[slick7]

i wish i could give you an answer to that question, but i don't know the whole situation. how long have you been friends with him? personally, i wouldn't be having sex with him. i'm not talking about any moral grounds here either. but, because you already love him, you say. so if you are intimate with him thats only going to create a stronger bond and you are going to become more emotionally attached to him. if he's really not looking for a relationship, you'll be more hurt in the long run. i would allow him time to get through his break up. plus, have you discussed with him your feelings for him?

[RocDoc]

There's some wonderfully good insight from several people here samples...including from yourself.

Do watch your step with this room-mate, I think. Especially this on-the-rebound shit.....I know us 'guys', in the gender sense. Pigs we can be.

Sometimes the path of least resistance(for him)is an attraction in and of itself...

~

...and I think I understand the 'wanting to be worthy' of another person statement samps made, and I don't think that it's necessarily as wrong as a couple of people made it out to be. IF you can use it to foster some sort of positive growth for yourself from it...
I mean, why not try...well, as long as it doesn't include some sort of submission to someone's will. Humiliation = bad.
So if it includes being 'better', why not? But see that the relationship and its possibility of ending means that you STILL get to carry those positives away from it WITH you.

Be positive, keep a relationship on as equal a footing as you can...tho you can make your side a bit 'more equal' by BEING more strong than you've been(or trying to), by being a competent stimulus to make your 'friend' better which in turn WILL make you 'better'.

Dream. Dare to.

We're pulling for you samples, sincerely...

[slick7]

rocdoc, i understand what you are saying. i think that any type of strong relationship makes those that are involved want to be better people. it draws out our more positive aspects. however, i don't think that a person should change who they are in order to be accepted by someone else. my fiance loves me unconditionally..annoying flaws and all..for who i am. and thats what i love about him. i dont have to pretend to be someone i'm not. however, he does make me want to be a better person. so, i see where you are coming from as well.

[samplestiltskin]

Last night demonstrated perfectly again why he can’t stand to be around me sometimes. For whatever reason I went all manic around 8 or 9pm. He fell asleep watching Butcher Boy so he missed the majority of my little mania blurb. And then of course I had to crash, so when he woke up, I was terribly, horribly down. I needed help. Living was unbearable. Unfuckingbearable. He said he simply couldn’t listen to me talk about how much I hated myself, how awful I felt, etc. "How are you any better now than when you first moved here?" He's frustrated. I needed him and he refused to talk to me.

I understand completely where he’s coming from. I’m sure he’s sick and tired of dealing with my mood swings. It was just so awful. And I’m no better this morning, except that I’m making myself go to this first day of training for telemarketing. I wish I could die but it’s not really an option. Here I am. Just gonna have to suffer through until my mood lifts again. I’m fucking strong, damn it. To be able to stay when I feel like this. He thinks I’m weak, well I’m not. Fucking strong. Fuck him.

[slick7]

yes, it can be frustrating at times to listen to someone say how much they loathe themselves. i think it's frustrating because the person listening is really inadequate to help since the person going through it has to be the one to help themselves. however, if you truly love someone and think of them as a friend, you are going to be there for them no matter what. you're not going to refuse to listen to them when they are horribly down. i want to kick this guys ass, samples. just the night before he had sex with you, but when you need him the most he bails on you. fucking prick. you're right, you ARE strong and you will get through this. we are all here for you and cheering you on.

[samplestiltskin]

Visited my neighborhood wicca shop today and bought a black candle to anoint and inscribe. It's all in my mind of course, but then, my mind is all I have. It says "Negative thoughts flow away and be banished. Only peace be left inside me" and I anointed it with dragon's blood, blue dragon, and griffon - oils with similar "powers" along the theme of banishing negativity and protecting one. Little things like this might help us keep going even when we feel all alone.

[Meursault]

I like to burn a certain scented incense to make me feel better sometimes too.

[Rit]

Samples, i read your posts with interest on this thread. you're quite an interesting person and alive to things, so you've got everything going for you, no matter for circumstances here or there. Many people would envy your vibrancy, believe it or not. Just keep doing what you're doing (your Top 10 list of things to do when depressed was spot on)

... oh, & read Thorny's delightful little story on page one of this thread if you need a quick and easy reason to smile.

[Rit]

& hey, Proud i remember you from RS. i also remember we clashed a bit sometimes, but i think that was just because i was envious that you weren't an indie brat. take it easy, brother.

[samplestiltskin]

thank you ritalin. you are all good people.

i just read this. allen ginsberg is also a good person.

The Lion For Real

"Soyez muette pour moi, Idole contemplative..."


I came home and found a lion in my living room
Rushed out on the fire-escape screaming Lion! Lion!
Two stenographers pulled their brunette hair and banged the window shut
I hurried home to Paterson and stayed two days.

Called up old Reichian analyst
who'd kicked me out of therapy for smoking marijuana
'It's happened' I panted 'There's a Lion in my room'
'I'm afraid any discussion would have no value' he hung up.

I went to my old boyfriend we got drunk with his girlfriend
I kissed him and announced I had a lion with a mad gleam in my eye
We wound up fighting on the floor I bit his eyebrow and he kicked me out
I ended up masturbating in his jeep parked in the street moaning 'Lion.'

Found Joey my novelist friend and roared at him 'Lion!'
He looked at me interested and read me his spontaneous ignu high poetries
I listened for lions all I heard was Elephant Tiglon Hippogriff Unicorn
Ants
But figured he really understood me when we made it in Ignaz Wisdom's
bathroom.

But next day he sent me a leaf from his Smokey Mountain retreat
'I love you little Bo-Bo with your delicate golden lions
But there being no Self and No Bars therefore the Zoo of your dear Father
hath no lion
You said your mother was mad don't expect me to produce the Monster for
your Bridegroom.'

Confused dazed and exalted bethought me of real lion starved in his stink
in Harlem
Opened the door the room was filled with the bomb blast of his anger
He roaring hungrily at the plaster walls but nobody could hear outside
thru the window
My eye caught the edge of the red neighbor apartment building standing in
deafening stillness

We gazed at each other his implacable yellow eye in the red halo of fur
Waxed rhuemy on my own but he stopped roaring and bared a fang
greeting.
I turned my back and cooked broccoli for supper on an iron gas stove
boilt water and took a hot bath in the old tub under the sink board.

He didn't eat me, tho I regretted him starving in my presence.
Next week he wasted away a sick rug full of bones wheaten hair falling out
enraged and reddening eye as he lay aching huge hairy head on his paws
by the egg-crate bookcase filled up with thin volumes of Plato, & Buddha.

Sat by his side every night averting my eyes from his hungry motheaten
face
stopped eating myself he got weaker and roared at night while I had
nightmares
Eaten by lion in bookstore on Cosmic Campus, a lion myself starved by
Professor Kandisky, dying in a lion's flophouse circus,
I woke up mornings the lion still added dying on the floor--
'Terrible Presence!' I cried' Eat me or die!'

It got up that afternoon--walked to the door with its paw on the wall to
steady its trembling body
Let out a soul-rending creak from the bottomless roof of his mouth
thundering from my floor to heaven heavier than a volcano at night in
Mexico
Pushed the door open and said in a gravelly voice "Not this time Baby--
but I will be back again."

Lion that eats my mind now for a decade knowing only your hunger
Not the bliss of your satisfaction O roar of the universe how am I chosen
In this life I have heard your promise I am ready to die I have served
Your starved and ancient Presence O Lord I wait in my room at your
Mercy.