Bared Souls

[ScottsyII]

Strangely enough I had a similarly melancholic "in the middle of a mundane day" sort of experience the other, and one which I think I will remember for some time...

Ok, so last Friday was the day before my 30th birthday, a sorta watershed day for me in a way, because I was leaving a fairly "tumultuous" period of life, being my twenties, that is, and it looks to me like my thirties might be a calmer, more settled era... I've got my life worked out after alot of years of trying to sort out a direction... all I really need now is for the US Government to recognise my new direction and give me a visa...

Anyways, the song lyrics that defined the moment for me were from none other than the new Death Cab for Cutie album... a little track called "Brother's on a Hotel Bed"

you may tire of me as our December sun is setting, 'cause i am not who I used to be
no longer easy on the eye but these wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy below
who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for, both a beginning and an end
but now he lives inside someone he doesn't recognise when he catches his reflection on accident

on the back of a motorbike with your arms stretched out trying to take flight, leaving everything behind
but even at our swifter speed we couldn't break from the concrete in the city where we still reside
and I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea, like navy men
cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides, like brothers on a hotel bed

So after hearing this I got all reflective and sat outside for a while as the sun set, and I thought to myself "yeah, I got myself all worked out and what I need to do... now I am just waiting to bloody get the chance to do it...

And concluded...

My US Visa needs to come soon... lol. I need to be with Mellie and the Kids.

[strat-0]

Wishing you swiftness on the Visa, Scottsy.

Today's another day.

[maarts]

Same here, buddy! You know I've got my fingers crossed for the both of you too....

[wayved]

scottsyII--you are not alone. I listened to that Death Cab For Cutie song while the sun was setting a couple days ago.

Im about to turn 31--strangely enough on my 30th birthday all I wanted to do was not think about anything. Thats hard to do if you have someone you love, much less a child. And you wanting to be with them.

Sure, you wanna be cool and free and what have you your life long but thats not going to happen. (thats me speaking for myself)--you will look back on the "tumultuous" period and sigh with a smile. All the bad times hopefully will be a learning experience and the good just a reason to laugh and share with only those you trust most. You are going to get old and get gray. Life will always be filled with bullshit downs and fantastic ups--I hope its all ups for you. You watched the sun set? I always thought that was one of the best things about living on this planet but people still give me shit! Thats hard to admit! I smoke cigarrettes and the last time I tried to quit I was in this class--and they asked "When is the hardest time for you not to have a cigarette? " I said, "when the sun is going down..." I was laughed out of the class.

Chin up mate. Dont take any bullshit from the passport agency -- harrass them in a kind way--dont be angry with them--get em on your side. Im sorry if this was terrible cos I mean nothing but good. Nothing but the best.

[ScottsyII]

Thanks wayved! I know some people like to mock, but watching sunsets is bloody fantastic! Stick to it, I agree it's one of the best things about being on earth.... you get a sunrise and a sunset each day and most of the time they are actually something to look at... I could wax poetic about the sunset / sunrise all darn day. I love 'em.

I'm finding solace in the act of doing small jobs towards my big move to be with Mellie now, I think... at least when I am focused on a little job that heads in the right direction, I just feel better all 'round. Like today I went and got all my immunizations and boosters looked at and checked over... I have holidays in a week or so, and I plan to start arranging my CDs into wallets for the big overseas move... stuff like that! It keeps me focused on my goals and makes them seem somehow closer at hand!

[ScottsyII]

And just as I was getting mopey about things... it looks like we've just taken a step closer to our goal... Mellie's petition to have me come over as a resident in the US based on our relationship just got approved!!! This is not the final stage of proceedings, but a VERY big step in them... it's onwards and upwards from here on!!!

From here a letter is sent out to the Sydney Embassy, and I have to get my paper work in order... then we get a final interview date, before I get my visa and GO!!!

Definitely feeling WAY more optimistic tonight now!!! This is just the news we have been needing to hear!!! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! :-)

[mellie]

Isnt he sweet??? how can you not love the man??

[Mary]

All right guys, put on your bared souls thinking caps. In particular, I desperately need some straight male perspective

Here's my very very very abridged situation in a nutshell:

Couple of weeks ago, I went to a club in the city with a friend and we inadvertently got separated. She was my ride home, so I was effectively stranded in the city. Obviously, if worst comes to worst, one can always take a cab, but the cabs around here are priced like fuckin rare caviar or something. I was standing outside the club hoping she'd show up, and while out there I started talking to some guys who were smoking on the curbside (can't smoke inside clubs here). It got to be later and later - 3:30 a.m. eventually - and still no sign of my friend. At which point one of the guys, with whom I had really kind of hit it off, was just like "hey - if you really need a place to crash, you're welcome to my place. i know that might seem potentially creepy, but i promise i'm just offering you couch space if you want it!" when my friend failed to materialize, i took him up on it.

i did not end up just sleeping on the couch, shall we say.

we've been in touch since then. this was obviously a drunken hookup on one level, but on another level it was also something more because we really get along and we have great conversations and tons in common. we email or call almost every day. but at first, whenever we were planning to get together again, he would keep proposing these totally chaste, just-friends-ish things - like getting lunch, or hanging out during the afternoon. so i was totally thrown off. eventually, after several lunches and one dinner WITH his friend, i just decided ok, as baffling as this is, this guy seems only to be interested in friendship.

then we had this one really serious conversation about past relationships, and he confessed he recently got dumped, from a really serious, long-term relationship, right before he was supposed to move in with this girl. he actually moved out here to cali instead of ny because the plan was for them to move to ny together and that was obviously tainted. this was a few months ago. so he explained that he felt like he needed to be alone for a while, that he was wary of starting anything new so soon afterwards. so, there it was, i thought, the confirmation of my suspicions - just friends. i was bummed, because in all honesty, i REALLY like this guy. i don't think i've hit it off with anyone so effectively in ages. he's just a great human being.

then a few days ago. he invited me into the city to join him and a few of his friends at this outdoor patio bar place that people around here jokingly refer to as the 'punk rock cafeteria'. so i went, met some of his friends (they were all great) drank beer with a lot of strangers, got pretty royally wasted (we were literally there from 4 p.m until *midnight* - it was insane). all his friends left and the bar itself mostly cleared out until it was just the two of us and this one stranger who we'd been chatting with. the two of us left together at around midnight, and he immediately was like' ok - you don't have to go back home if you don't want to. come back to my place with me?'

i did. everything that could happen did happen. and it was all great. after all of this happened, i was drunk enough to have absolutely no internal censor whatsoever, so i actually just said 'i thought you didn't like me' and he was like 'what?' and i said 'i just figured you weren't interested in me.... all the lunches.... bringing your friend to dinner....telling me about your ex....i thought you didn't like me' and he was like 'no no no no, i think you're totally great...but you've caught me at a weird time. i really don't know what i want right now. i thought i didn't want any kind of relationship at all - not even a low-key, no-pressure one. but then you came along and i'm completely confused now. right now, at this moment, i totally want to be with you. at other moments, though, i think about this and get really worried about what's happening.'

when i returned home the next day, he sent an email later in the day, which was basically like 'hey, i had a great time last night, but i'm still worried about figuring out exactly what it is that we're doing. i fear continuing down this very ambiguous road. i think we need to talk.'

ok. that's where things stand now. (i responded to his email and just concurred that the ambiguity is a problem and we're just trying to figure out a time to meet for lunch just to have this conversation in person) i'm really worried about this because i really FEEL myself falling for this guy. it's abrupt and fast and weird but i feel it nonetheless. i don't know what to do with the situation. i don't know if his confusion should be a total dealbreaker because it can only mean things will turn into a disaster, or if something good could still come out of this initial confusion. i don't know if i'm getting myself into something that i should be running away from full speed ahead. i mean...i've seen relationships start after getting over a period of initial reluctance. but i also have friends telling me i'm going to get myself seriously hurt. (it might already be too late, though)

so, ultimately, my two questions are - what should i do, and what the fuck is he doing? i just need to know if the indications here are just glaringly run-the-fuck-away negative, or if it sounds like there's some hope, like his confusion could resolve itself in a positive direction.

this is starting to weigh upon me...

thanks for any and all ruminations

Cheers,
M

[phil]

1) So far so good...

2) Looks like he's telling it like it is
(which is a good thing, isn't it ?)

3) What's the rush ??
Can't you just go with the flow
and ease your way into this relationship ?

(Sorry if there are more questions than answers BTW)

[chrisfan]

I tend to agree with Phil. I think his honesty is both kind and respectable. I don't blame you at all for being a bit on guard because of his hesitating with things. But he certainly seems interested enough that it's not worth throwing the baby out with the bathwater yet. If you're enjoying being with him, just kick back and have fun.

[phil]

Mary ~ Of course you must be aware that many posters here want to know
way much more about "what happened in Rome this summer" instead of what
"could happen in Berkeley this fall" ...

Because we really do care about you ...ÔÔ...

[luke]

C'mon, just read Mary's posts immediately following her return. The activities alluded to in those posts are a bit more provocative and send the imagination swirling a ways more than a list of details ever could...

[maarts]

I'd say- talk to him. I think he's on exactly the same level playing field as you and he probably is falling for you too...did he have some bad relationships prior to yours? That'd explain why he send that message. He perhaps feels it could be more than just a quick affair and he wants to know from you if you feel the same before the both of you go on.

[Kensterberg]

Just to add one more voice to the chorus ... don't force him away, and I don't think he'll run. It seems like he's being open with you, it's just that he's probably legitimately confused at this point, and so he's openly being confused. It's not like you're wanting a comittment or something at this point, you just want to be sure you're headed in the same direction. So continue to talk to him, continue to hang out, continue to do what feels good to both of you. No one knows the transience of relationships better than you, Mary. Enjoy what you've got as long as it's there, and who knows, maybe it will be there for a long time.

Probably doesn't help any. Maybe you should just tell him to email all your cyber-friends. That way, we can give him an earful about how you're the catch of the west coast, and he should feel lucky just to have had a date with the (in)famous Mary of the RS boards.

[phil]

As long as he doesn't stumble upon this site...