the angst, and how it eats you...

[sisyphus]

so i've noticed that for the most part i've tended to withhold on the "religious" thread, or in any case, i don't devote to it an attention proportional to the psychic weight it carries in my mind... (the internet really isn't an accurate portrayal of people.) instead, i tend to pitter about with small comments on various threads all over the board, never really saying anything...never wanting to bother at truly spilling my thoughts for fear that once i start i won't be able to stop, or if i do, those thoughts won't be completed, and therefore i experience some agonizing lack of control or disparity. i consider reading the various spiritual discussions, but then usually choose to avoid them with the excuse, "it's all been said, and it'll all be said again, in all its little pieces." i guess it's because i've had so damn many late night or drunken conversations lasting hours upon hours that focus on "figuring it all out," or at the very least, observing ourselves in the process of trying to "figure it all out." the soul of the discussion is so valuable to me, i don't want it to become rote. i don't want to simply reassert my ideas over and over to every joe that comes my way, hoping he/she might add to them or think they're on the right track. yet, every true discussion seems to circle closer and closer to some strange enigma that will always evade my grasp.

for example, tonight i talked for a few hours with my friend jesse. we have very different beliefs, yet believe so similarly. it's truly bizarre. i won't even bother to try and explain that now. in any case, we had a great discussion, and were able to uncover a lot of common ground. in fact, the process of finding that common ground actually ignited all sorts of dormant ideas that had been sulking around in our brains.... it happened in such a way that (it seemed) we both gained a certain sense of order and control with regard to our perspectives on life and how it is ascribed meaning. it was as if we both felt some peace and some closure... but after the conversation ended and he left, i still felt this strange disparity...the torturous "unknowing" that haunts so ceaselessly... (this, despite the fact that intellectually i despise any sort of omniscience and favor the mystery that the limited vision of fragmented life provides.) what is it? don't stressercize, that was rhetorical.

it's just occurred to me that there are many things i've settled on (for now anyway) in an intellectual sort of way, that i just can't seem to swallow emotionally. this is mostly do to my ego, whatever that is. fuck. i'm not finished, but i'm finished for now. if you bothered to read this dribble, thanks. it's nice to be heard.

post script:

i suppose spending a few hours with my nose in Bloom's The American Religion has also managed to stir a lot of muck in my mind... if you don't already know, Bloom focuses heavily on the good ole' Mormon church. i was raised in the thick of Mormondom, so it definitely piques my interest. but that's another story... now, to top it all off, i find myself watching ingmar bergman's Saraband. zeus.

[sisyphus]

yeah...i think i tend to stay away from the threads that MOST concern me a lot of the time, and i let all my thoughts concerning these various subjects fester and swell until i finally must puke them on some unsuspecting victim one late night in a bar, or else into the good ole word document. blither.

[Matheus]

Nice posts... respekt.

[sisyphus]

thanks matheus.

[Matheus]

The angst and how it eats you alive...

I'm generally driven by passion and by emotion. I don't care much for rational thought. I try my fucking hardest to talk about what I think and what I believe, and it all comes out wrong. I feel like no one can understand because it's such a convoluted mess. It's like I'm this mish-mash of believing in a million different things and I can relate to almost anyone. I can talk my ass off, but there's no definition... and that bothers me.

The lack of morality in this world really bothers me. The idea that we're all a bunch of piggies marching over each other... and then my idealism kicks in... maybe I could change the world by being the best I can be. Yet, I am a weak man driven by passion and emotion.

I have an ego the size of the universe... a pretentious, self-important twat.

[Kensterberg]

S -- I go back and forth with practicing the kind of law that means absolutely nothing to me (business work, family matters), and the stuff that I am pasionate about (criminal law, civil rights, etc.). I get tired of the former b/c, well, the stakes just aren't there -- I feel like it doesn't really matter beyond the fact of a paycheck. And there are certainly easier ways to get a paycheck! Then, after a while I get burned out about the passionate areas -- there's too much at stake, I feel horrible if the results aren't "right."

I dunno, I feel like I'm not in a real good/stable place right now, emotionally. I'm really getting in the mood to listen to Counting Crows and the Cure's Disintegration, neither of which are really good things for me in general.

Matt - you're not the only one who goes through this kind of shit. Believe me. People are ultimately emotional animals, and we have a hard time embracing reason if it doesn't also make emotional sense. And in this crazy world, it's hard to find anything that makes both rational and emotional sense over the long haul. Those kind of tensions are just part and parcel of life.

At least that's what I'm thinking right now ... and right now I am the rain king.

[Matheus]

There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
That's my soul up there
It's the same old thing as yesterday
That's my soul up there
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
That's my soul up there
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
That's my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
That's my soul up there
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
That's my soul up there
There's a blue whale beached by a springtime's ebb
That's my soul up there
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
That's my soul up there

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
That's my soul up there
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
That's my soul up there
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I always thought you could end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

King of pain
King of pain
King of pain
I'll always be king of pain

[tuneschick]

kenholzman said:

it's hard to find anything that makes both rational and emotional sense over the long haul.

Wow - that's about the story of my life right now. Nicely summarized.

[Kensterberg]

King of Pain was one of my favorite songs when I was 18 ... I remember stumbling around campus drunk one night, randomly yelling out "there's a little black spot on the sun today ..."

Of course later that same night we were shouting out Dead Kennedys songs instead ... ah the joys of youth and alcohol.

[Matheus]

tuneschick said:

kenholzman said:

it's hard to find anything that makes both rational and emotional sense over the long haul.

Wow - that's about the story of my life right now. Nicely summarized.

As my friend Staceyyyy (nevermind the extra ys) would say... YAHHHHHHHHH...

[Matheus]

kenholzman said:

King of Pain was one of my favorite songs when I was 18 ... I remember stumbling around campus drunk one night, randomly yelling out "there's a little black spot on the sun today ..."

Of course later that same night we were shouting out Dead Kennedys songs instead ... ah the joys of youth and alcohol.

And I'm singing the Alanis Morissette version... cause I just love that hippy chick...

Seriously, best Alanis quote ever...

"can blindly continued fear-induced regurgitated life denying tradition be overcome?"

That's some shit right thurr...

[Matheus]

Maybe NOTHING really is rational... only a matter of collective consciousness....

[sisyphus]

matheus said:

I feel like no one can understand because it's such a convoluted mess. It's like I'm this mish-mash of believing in a million different things and I can relate to almost anyone. I can talk my ass off, but there's no definition... and that bothers me.

i kind of know what you mean, matheus. when you try to understand numerous pov's, sometimes you begin to feel a little schizo. just the other day i was thinking about religion. i realized that, in a sense, i could accept most of the core beliefs of just about any religion i'm familiar with, provided this acceptence was not based on a "literal" reading of their various creeds. (i can easily translate almost any belief into something i can swallow... the only problem i run into is that of authority. when a singular authority is claimed above all others, i back out. i find that i can usually relate to almost anyone as well. i suppose that it's sometimes frustrating because, as humans, we generally seem to be in search of some kind of security...some sort of anchor... the problem is that the only constant really IS change. there's a jewish proverb that goes something like: "Would that life were like the shadow cast by a wall or tree, but alas it is the shadow of a bird in flight."

[Matheus]

sisyphus said:

matheus said:

I feel like no one can understand because it's such a convoluted mess. It's like I'm this mish-mash of believing in a million different things and I can relate to almost anyone. I can talk my ass off, but there's no definition... and that bothers me.

i kind of know what you mean, matheus. when you try to understand numerous pov's, sometimes you begin to feel a little schizo. just the other day i was thinking about religion. i realized that, in a sense, i could accept most of the core beliefs of just about any religion i'm familiar with, provided this acceptence was not based on a "literal" reading of their various creeds. (i can easily translate almost any belief into something i can swallow... the only problem i run into is that of authority. when a singular authority is claimed above all others, i back out. i find that i can usually relate to almost anyone as well. i suppose that it's sometimes frustrating because, as humans, we generally seem to be in search of some kind of security...some sort of anchor... the problem is that the only constant really IS change. there's a jewish proverb that goes something like: "Would that life were like the shadow cast by a wall or tree, but alas it is the shadow of a bird in flight."

FUCKIN' A!!!

That's how I feel...

[sisyphus]

maybe so...

and ken, you're right. constant focus of passion definitely leads to exhaustion.

*hums sting*