1st Annual Castaway Awards

[riley]

...continued...

Riley - Okay welcome back. For our next award, I'm joined by CNN prime time personality, Lou Dobbs. Lou what brings you to the Castaways Awards show?

Lou Dobbs - I caught a tip that your caterer was using illegal Mexican servers.

Riley - Actually dude, this show is broadcasting from my place here in Canada, and we really don't get quite as worked up about Mexicans as you do. I will say though, you have got the absolute best fucking hair on televsion. Except sometimes you seem to use a bit of old guy anti grey stuff. You should let the shit go all white Lou. Makes you look all corporate gangsta and stuff.

Lou Dobbs - Are you coming on to me? Are you gay? It's fine if you are, as long as you're not Mexican.

Riley - Nah. Not gay. Just like to see my corporate greed brothers keeping their look real, you know what I'm saying. So how do you feel about presenting the next award?

Lou Dobbs - Is the winner Mexican?

Riley - Dude you really need to chill on the Mexico thing, or CNN is going to bring back Crossfire and then viewers will have to decide who's more racist, you or Novak. You knew Tucker Carlson was Mexican right? The bow tie distracted the border cops and he got through. Still doesn't have a green card. Oh and Anderson Cooper? Totally Mexican.

Lou Dobbs - I fucking knew it. What about Larry King?

Riley - Soooo Mexican. The award. Come on Chico, let's do this.

Lou Dobbs - Okay okay. The winner of the award for Most Missed Poster, is Shane Simpson. Simpson? That sounds Mexican to me.

Riley - Easy Buford. Congrats Shane. We clearly all wish you were around more, but we understand chillin' with your girlfriend is cool too.

We'll be back.

*RVR & The Fragtones ease into "Sneaking In (An Anchorman's Backdoor Entry Scheme)"*

...to be continued....

[riley]

...continued....

Luke - Who was that fucking old guy?

Riley - Lou Dobbs from CNN.

Luke - So basically because you've been dragging so much ass in getting these awards completed, you're now running at even more of an artistic deficit than when this started, and you've resorted to celebrity guests that aren't funny.

Riley - Fuck you man! Lou Dobbs is gold. Where have you been anyway? You look fucking hammered.

Luke - I'm alright bro. I was just playing some drinking games with your neighbour. Fucking guy can't drink very much.

Riley - Little guy? Freckles? BMX helmet?

Luke - Yeah he's a light weight.

Riley - True enough. It might have just a little bit to do with the fact he's 4!

Luke - Fuck dude I didn't know. I was taking a piss on your garden and he started pointing and laughing, so I said "alright bitch, let's see what you got". Next thing I knew we were into some Crown Royal, going shot for shot. Well probably only about three shots actually before he passed out.

Riley - Awesome. Tell you what...after this next award why don't you take my dogs inside to snort of few lines. No wait, better yet, my parents just arrived, maybe you can take them into the dining room and shoot some smack.

Luke - Take it easy dude, it's not a big....

*There's a minor commotion as Riley's parents arrive for the next presentation*

Riley's Dad - Jesus christ. Who are all these fucking weirdos? Did you meet them all on the internet? Where is the internet anyway? Your Mom says it's in Saskatchewan, but I told her I thought it was further west.

Riley's Mom - I see there's a barbecue happening, did you have some hamburgers or hotdogs?

Riley - I'm a vegetarian Mom, remember? Have been for like 7 years now.

Riley's Mom - Oh yeah right. Well what about a steak?

Riley - Yeah okay that sounds great. I'll just bail on my whole dietary belief system because you're a mutant and you don't care about what's important to me. So is steak better for me than hot dogs because it's actual cow flesh rather than ground up cow lips and arseholes in tubes?

Riley's Dad - You little bastard! You were raised on those tubes full of lips and arseholes, but all of a sudden you're all Mr. Healthy. Like lips and arseholes are too good for you all of a sudden. Is that guy at the grill Mexican?

Lou Dobbs - I fucking knew it! I'm calling immigration. This little party is over Rileydog.

Riley's Dad - What the hell is Lou Dobbs doing here?

Riley - I heard you guys might be coming, so I felt I should hire someone to keep track of all the misfired synaps.

Riley's Mom - Dad doesn't the grill guy look like the bass player for that bluegrass band we like so much? Though I don't think he was Mexican. Riley would you like some Purell? I have som here in my fanny pack.

Luke *almost in tears*
- Would you two like to present the next award?

Riley's Mom - That sounds like fun. What's it for?

Luke - Sexiest male poster.

Riley's Mom - You mean 'poster' like all those pictures Riley used to have on his walls in his bedroom when he was younger. They were mostly men with make up and long hair. We were so glad when he got that first poster of Heaher Locklear. Up until then we thought he was a fucking fag for sure.

Riley - Mom!

Riley's Mom - Oh I'm sorry sweetie. A fucking homosexual.

Riley - Will you guys just open the envelope for fuck's sake.

Riley's Dad - Alright. The winner for Sexiest Male Poster is....what the fuck....Rileydog!

Riley's Mom - Oh that's nice dear. Congratulations. Although I bet these people wouldn't think you were so sexy if they saw you last New Year's eve

Riley - You just can't let me enjoy a moment can you?

Riley's Mom - Oh I'm sorry. Let me see if that nice boy Shin can fix you a ham bomb

Riley's Dad - Oh yeah, I just had one when we arrived. Delicious, although if you think about it too much, it looks like a set of meat curtains.

*RVR & The Fragtones ease into "Rotting In Your Colon (Meat is Your Friend Forever)"*

...to be continued...

[rockysigman]

Why doesn't Castaways have any Mexicans anyway? Not as diverse as we sometimes give ourselves credit for.

Back in the RS.com days, way early on, there was a half Mexican guy named Stephan. He had to quit posting because he made a bet with another poster about the release date of Chinese Democracy. Stephan said that it would be released before the end of 1999, and the other guy said it wouldn't. The loser had to stop posting on RS.com for a year. In hindsight, what a terrible bet, eh? It's 7 years later and it's still not out. And he never came back after the end of his one year ban. Very sad.

Anyway, that is why we don't have any Mexicans here.

[rockysigman]

Random RS.com memories probably represent a little bit too much of the capacity of my brain than they should.

[phil]

EXCELLENT !!

Here's hoping that poor kid will recover ...

[riley]

...continued...

Luke - So we're back and I'm hanging with the sexiest male poster.

Riley - Fuck off.

Luke - Seriously dude. You're a sexy sexy man. Dozens of people who've never met or actually seen you can't be wrong.

Riley Alright alright funny guy, let's move this along. Are my parents still here?

Luke - Yeah your Dad's talking with Thorn about death metal and your Mom's up on the deck smoking dope with samples and Rocky.

Riley - Great. What's that sound?

Luke - I think it's Phil using some sort of landscaping device. He's planting a garden on one side of your property. He said something about the awards taking so long he might as well plant some veggies. Figures by the time you're done with all this he'll be able to pick fresh tomatoes and make everyone dinner.

Riley - Man it hasn't taken that long has it?

Luke - Dude the voting started three fucking months ago.

Riley - Wow. I really suck eh?

Luke - Yeah but you're sexy apparently, so it's cool.

Riley - On that note our next award is Sexiest Female Poster.

*opens envelope*

According to the majority of our male community members and lesbian female voters, the winner is Layla.

*applause*

Is Layla here?

*her good friend Adam runs to the stage*

Adam - Yeah she couldn't be here for this. She said something about "Nikki Sixx calling" and having to "be on The Crue's tour bus for a couple months". She wanted me to say thanks and accept the award on her behalf in the event she won.

*puzzled looks and more aplause*

Riley - So we still don't know what she looks like.

Luke - Yeah but she's sexy dude.

Riley - How do you know?

Luke She just is okay. It's obvious. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Motley Crue tour bus to track down.

*RVR & The Fragtones bust into "I Know The Bitch is Sexy (Satan Told Me)"*

...to be continued...

[phil]

HÉ ! Layla's trophy should be witheld from her
until she shows her face ... Or her boobs ...

Or both !!

[Kensterberg]

Very nicely done, dog!

I was gonna chime in with Phil's call for Layla to show us her face/tits, but then I remembered that I've never posted a picture of myself here either. Those who live in glass houses, etc.

Rocky -- I'd been trying to remember Stephen's name! I was one of the guys who kept calling him on Chinese Democracy, but I didn't make that bet with him. Every time I G'n'R discussion comes up, I think about that poor kid.

[Ayinger]

Riley - So we still don't know what she looks like.

Luke - Yeah but she's sexy dude.


god I first read over that too quickly and thought the response was "she's a sexy dude" .....felt like my nads crept up out of my scrotum in fear that all this time I've been secretly fantasying over some hairy ass rather than Her Blessid Softness....

damn I need to wake up......all this lull up to now in the ceremony.

[rockysigman]

Hey, Holzman, show us your tits!

[Kensterberg]

Not much to see, sorry Rocky. Pretty damn flat ... if I were a woman, I'd have to get implants. ;D

[Adam]

phil said:

HÉ ! Layla's trophy should be witheld from her
until she shows her face ... Or her boobs ...

Or both !!

I've still got her award so I'm on the case.

[Thorngrub]

Riley, you're amazing. How you can crank out those classic bits of comedy while not missing a beat on that drumkit is beyond me. You da man

[poseidon]

You are the sexiest male poster Riley. Love your pic' in that pink shirt...

[tuneschick]

Congrats to the sexiest couple on the boards. I've never seen a picture of Layla but she can't possibly be anything but stunning... and having recently met Riley in the flesh, I can attest firsthand that he ain't so shabby himself.

And come back, Shane Simpson!!