Random Top 10 II

[maarts]

LMAO!

www.latfh.com/

[maarts]

Heathrow Airport has again been voted the worst airport in the world, according to a global poll of airline passengers.

The survey of members of Priority Pass, the world's leading independent airport lounge programme, included responses from 160 countries. The respondents to the annual survey have taken, on average, 17 flights in the past year.

It is a repeat of last year's result when Heathrow was still recovering from the ill-fated opening of Terminal 5, which saw passengers suffer lengthy flight delays and large numbers of lost bags.

The airport recently reported that the punctuality of its flights had improved markedly this summer – up by 14 per cent between April and June on the same period last year, according to statistics released by the Civil Aviation Authority. The average delay also fell – dropping from 18 minutes to ten minutes.

“We are working very hard to make every passenger's journey to or from better than the last one, and these figures demonstrate the we are making good progress,” said the airport's chief operating office Mike Brown.

“However, the challenge is continuously to raise standards and through our long-term investment strategy, which sees £1 billion spent on facilities and services every year, we are rebuilding an airport of which the UK can be rightly proud.”

Charles de Gaulle airport, in Paris, was voted second worst, followed by Los Angeles, Frankfurt International and Miami International.

Singapore Changi, a perennial favourite, finished top, followed closely by Hong Kong's Chek Lap Kok. Amsterdam Schiphol was the pick of Europe's airports. Ironically, Heathrow also rated highly among the favourite airports, coming in at number five.

“The travellers who took part in this survey took almost 250,000 flights between them over the last year, and that means they know a thing or two about airports,” said Jonathan French, Head of Brand for Priority Pass. “Sadly, Heathrow remains firmly entrenched as the airport the world loves to hate.”

A recent poll by London's Telegraph found that 80 per cent of those that have used Heathrow's Terminal 5 said they enjoyed the experience, however passengers still regularly complain about the service at the other four terminals.

Top 10 favourite airports

1. Singapore Changi

2. Hong Kong Chek Lap Kok Intl

3. Amsterdam Schiphol

4. Dubai World Central Intl

5. London Heathrow

6. Copenhagen

7. Zurich

8. Bangkok Suvarnabhumi Intl

9. Seoul Incheon International

10. Frankfurt International




Worst airports

1. London Heathrow

2. Paris CDG

3. Los Angeles - LAX Intl

4. Frankfurt International


- The Telegraph, London

[RocDoc]

how do you rate best-worst on a place which you're simply passing through, while probably being relatively stressed after 8 to 10 to 14 hours on a plane?

sure you also are probably excited as hell to BE someplace cool, but as long as you get your luggage ok and nothing terrible happens, what do you want?

yeah, degaulle was ugly as hell in 2003 and very inconveniently spread out...but i didn't care....i was in fucking paris.

i've been in LAX - np impression.

i've spent time in copenhagen...had like 5 hour layover coming back home, by myself, because my wife stayed behind while i had to get back to work.
it's a mall, a nice one but so what...

airports aren't going to be a highlight for me sorry.

i stayed nearly 24 hours at the airport in las vegas after vanguard (PTOO!) airlines shitted on us on a flight back home.

one armed bandits are great wakeup music at 6 AM i tell ya!

[maarts]

Top 5 'do i care' signs:



1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

[maarts]

Top 10 Favorite Phrases in R.E.M.'s "It's The End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)"

1. Lock him in uniform
2. Listen to your heart bleed
3. 6 o'clock TV hour
4. Don't get caught in foreign tower
5. Every motive escalate
6. A tournament of lies
7. Birthday party cheesecake
8. The furies breathing down your neck
9. Listen to yourself churn
10. Ladder structure clutter

[maarts]

Top Ten Dilbert Quotes



From the Dilbert series of comic strips, drawn by Scott Adams.

#10 - Bob the Dinosaur: It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

#9 - Dogbert: This'll cure you immediately.
Dilbert: Really? What is it?
Dogbert: A placebo.
Dilbert: A placebo? Now that you've told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work.
Dogbert: It will if you think it will.
Dilbert: But I already know it's a placebo!
Dogbert: Maybe it isn't.
Dilbert: You just said it was!
Dogbert: That's precisely the power of the placebo.

#8 - Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!

#7 - Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.

#6 - Dogbert: Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.

#5 - Dogbert: There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.

#4 - Dogbert: Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.

#3 - Dogbert: Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

#2 Dogbert: You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.

#1 - Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude.
Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?
Catbert: I'm putting you in charge of the Employee Morale Festival.
Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death.
Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.

[RocDoc]

holy shit!
from #7 on down, totally lol material....

For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?

rotflmao!

[RocDoc]

HERE's where some jokes can go!

<sub>I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.


I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."


I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy


I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them


The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."



Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"


I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.


I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"


At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.



"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash."



"I was walking across the Golden Gate bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off, so I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

He said, "Why shouldn't I?"
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too!
Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too!
Are you Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too!
Are you Original Northern Baptist or Reformed Northern Baptist?" He said, "Reformed Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too!
Are you Reformed Northern Baptist Missouri synod or Reformed Northern Baptist Wisconsin synod?"
He said, "Reformed Northern Baptist Missouri synod."
I said, "Me, too!
Are you Reformed Northern Baptist Missouri synod reformation of 1879, or Reformed Northern Baptist Missouri synod reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Northern Baptist Missouri synod reformation of 1915."

And I said, "Die, heretic!" and pushed him off.</sub>



i truly truly LOVE emo phillips.

[RocDoc]

like i said...

<sub>So, I pleaded guilty on advice of the lawyer, which is the last time I ever listen to a prosecuting attorney.

I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body. Then I thought, "Look what's telling me that."

Some people are against capital punishment, because they say that it turns the state into a murderer. I'm against imprisonment, because it turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

The doctor said her brain was dead but her heart was still beating. I thought, "Oh my gosh, we've never had a democrat in the family!"

Well, I'm at the Walmart, where I think everyone goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

Houses make strange noises at night like creak, groan and "Emo, I'm going to kill you." ...So I remembered what my mother told me, "Whenever you feel afraid just whistle a happy tune... [whistling] ...then I felt a hand around my throat and a voice said, "Thanks. I thought I'd never find you in the dark."

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged me fifteen feet.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damned anthropologists!

People come up to me and say they're worried...that I'll reproduce.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

'...and I will always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said..."A truck!"

"I wanna open a Native American sex shop and sell wet dream catchers.

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."


"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.
Oh, I've tried other enemas..."


"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."


"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?
And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"New York's such a wonderful city.
Although I was at the library today.
The guys are very rude.
I said, "I'd like a card."
He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York."
So I stabbed him."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
.
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."

"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."

"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

A guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in Morse code.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball

When it comes to my health, I like to think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos HATE that.

One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

- Emo Philips</sub>

[Ayinger]

Man, it's been DECADES since I've seen Emo --- he can't have been able to keep his boyish looks all these years.....

Jake Johannsen was another favorite back then....along of course with Steven Wright. Both don't look at all like they did back then.

And while I'm at it, how 'bout a Shout Out for the late Steve Landesberg --- yeah, ya'll know him from "Barney Miller" but his standup routines were killer too!

[RocDoc]

i read something recently that he's been living right near here in downers grove for several years and taking care of his sick mom.

relatively recent i'll guess:

[JACkory]

I would have read that joke but bold face type with small fonts hurt my eyes. I'm afraid I've missed a lot around here as a result of that little glitch.

Emo Philips? God, what a sick fuck. No disrespect to anyone who finds his annoying routine funny but I swear to God if I met him in a back alley I would put his ass on the ground and leave it there. He should be in prison. Like I said, he's a sick fuck. That's no lie. Creepy. Seriously, there's no room in stand-up comedy for such a demented (and not in a funny way) son of a bitch.

The best comedians are the ones whose names you can't remember.

[maarts]

Like who?

[Ayinger]

wish I could remember a few,,,,but they were SO damn good that, well shit...there ya go!

Guess I could try though:

1 - Shirley Hemphill (from What's Happenin'! ... great skit on a dr. exam and how the sanity paper on the table gets stuck in the crack of her ass)

2 - Tim Thomerson ... from wayyy back on the HBO comedian specials. Did a bit on the film Stagecoach in slow motion that is just friggin' classic! Catch it here:

3 - Steve Landesberg ... more know for his later role on Barney Miller as Sgt. Arthur Dietrich, this guy slayed in standup!

4 - Henry Cho ...saw him at college and oh mannnn,,,will NEVER forget how he shut down this heckler in the crowd. Best known bit with the clickin' noise:

5 - Jake Johansen ... Letteman favorite --- liked him better here when he had the longer hair and was more neurotic:

6 - can't recall their names, but two female comedians who did a show years ago at my local Knickerbocker Saloon...and let me tell ya: girls can get away with a LOTTTT more shit than a guy commedian can! One sang a song and did a routine about "cooter-juice" that was just priceless.

7 - Shelley Berman ... VINTAGE comedian from like the 50's & 60's. My dad had some of his 'party albums' that I used to listen to as a kid....too friggin' classic for the times, esp this routine of a drunken night remembered:

8 - Andrew Dice Clay ... gone, maybe not all that forgotten, and totally wrong Wrong WR0NG in so many ways but at the turn of the 90's I have to admit dying to some of his shit and overblown attitude. The most known perhaps,,,,a few poems, in his ALL his vulgar glory:

9 - Ernie Kovacs ... way back in the day, when TV was only black and white, there were a few who knew how to both use the medium and push the fringes. Another that I was turned onto as I child and got more appreciation as an adult to where he was during the times :

10 - Tyler Labine ... don't know how he may qualify under the term comedian, but the humor he's put into such under-the-wire shows as "Invasion" and "Reaper", I think this guy is just due for the right venue to break him.

[maarts]

Damn. I only know Clay from that bunch.