Post by shin on Feb 20, 2006 14:08:16 GMT -5
In the spirit of Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Bill Brasky...
The slang use of "pussy" for women's vaginas was coined in an effort on the part of the Earth's male population to keep Rileydog, who dislikes cats, from having sex with every woman on the planet. The strategy has so far failed miserably, as Rileydog has simply taken a penchant for buggery.*
Canada's GDP decreases 5% when Rileydog sneezes, and increases 13% when he pops wood.
The Great Canadian Banking Crash of 1998 is also known within Canadian banking circles as "The Day Rileydog Fell Asleep At His Desk Chair After Two Consecutive Weeks of Natty Ice and Islanders Games"
Contrary to appearances and chronological time-line, the cover of Goodfellas is a direct ripoff of the promotional photograph of Rileydog's power trio band, not the other way around. As punishment for this trademark infringement, Rileydog infiltrated Pricewaterhouse/Coopers in 1990 and switched the envelopes on Awards night, causing Martin Scorcese to lose both Best Director and Best Picture in an upset to Kevin Costner's Dances with Wolves, and has so far remained Oscar-less thanks to Rileydog's behind the scenes blacklisting. Unknown to Scorcese, the choice of Dances With Wolves instead of Ghost or Awakenings is because Rileydog's Sioux Indian name is Listens to Rush With Wolves.
85% of Sloan's album sales are directly attributable to Rileydog's personal purchases. Sloan has so far sold 87,439,910 albums worldwide. Rileydog has gotten the funds for these purchases by interest free loans (payments not due until the year 2250) from his bank, which he secured by simply raising his eyebrow in a sensual manner at his bank CEO, who then became smitten with Rileydog and vowed to do whatever Rileydog asked. The CEO is male, heterosexual, and is married with 3 children.
The nation of Luxembourg has officially adopted vegetarianism as it's national eating practice in an attempt to mimic the lifestyle choices of Rileydog, who won Chancellorship in a landslide election in 2002. While vacationing in Luxembourg on a skiing trip, Rileydog's skiing moves so impressed the population of 470,000 Luxembourgers that a grassroots campaign to write-in vote Rileydog commenced, resulting in an astonishing 73% of the population voting for him. Rileydog refuses to acknowledge his leadership role or revisit Luxembourg, citing disdain for their "arse slopes".
When the last 30 seconds of Tool's "Faaip de Oiad" are played backward ("backtracking"), the sound of Rileydog brushing his teeth very fast with an electric toothbrush can be distinctly heard.*
Nikola Tesla invented the Tesla coil at the behest of Rileydog, who felt it would be pretty wack if the name of the band Tesla didn't have an already established backstory. Tesla invented the coil in large part from the information in Rileydog's 7th grade algebra notes.
Rob Halford isn't actually gay: he's just madly in love with Rileydog.
Pictures of Rileydog while drunk is the predominant currency in the Cayman Islands. The $1 Rileydollar bill has a picture of Rileydog after 6 Sleemans, in which his face is red. The $5 Rileydollar bill has Riley after 12 Sleemans, in which his eyes are beginning to cross and his hair is messed up. The $10 Rileydollar bill has Riley after 20 Sleemans in which he's vomiting in a sock drawer. The $20 Rileydollar bill has Riley after 32 Sleemans and he's riding a mechanical bull while wearing a lampshade on his head. Rumors on the internet suggest it's not a mechanical bull Rileydog is riding like a rodeo rider, but rather Queen Elizabeth. When reached for comment, Rileydog declined, saying "the Queen and I prefer our privacy."
The career of Nickelback is the result of a curse Rileydog inflicted on Canada after a particularly lousy cup of coffee at Tim Horton's. The coffee at Tim Horton's has been stellar ever since, but Rileydog continues to allow Nickelback to record and release music, as a warning and a constant reminder to the rest of us never to royally fuck up like that again.
Rileydog has won the Best Polka Juno seven years running. Rileydog has never actually made polka music in his entire life, but the Juno Award committee felt it would be apt to give Rileydog a Juno every year just on principle.
Rileydog attempted to strangle the Canadian Tire Guy in his sleep two years ago, only to find that the CTG had preemptively set up a 20 foot perimeter around his house packed tight with over 5,000 malnourished and mewling Siamese kittens as a defense for just such an occasion. Rileydog attempted to purchase a bulldozer to plow his way through the sea of kittens, only to find that the only brand for sale is "Caterpillar", and Rileydog refused to buy such a brand due to moral disgust. Rileydog is currently browsing the Abrams tank market.
The only weakness Rileydog has is a massive bombardment by a fleet of B-52 bombers dropping 600 metric tons of Manx cats. So far, no first world nation has grown the balls to attempt this campaign, as they fear Rileydog's Alt-F4 banking powers on their central economies, and thus Rileydog continues to do as he pleases.*
While practicing with his band, Rileydog discovered an entirely new power chord, dubbed "Scandinavian A minor sustained 180° triple back whammy," which sounded like 1,000 Molsons being cracked open at once. The power chord required Rileydog to use both hands on the fretboard and strum with his right foot. The band used the chord as the central hook to their debut self released single, "Scotty Bowman's Underoos, Eh?" The single developed a grass roots following until it was shown on MuchMusic, where it exploded to #1 on every pop chart across the globe within 4 days. As it turned out, the repeated sound of a thousand beer cans opening entranced much of the Earth's population, a sizable portion of whom were inspired to quit their jobs to sit around drinking beer all day. The economy collapsed and political chaos erupted, resulting in a flashpoint nuclear war, destroying civilization entirely. What we now think of as the present day in 2006 is actually the hallucinatory dream of Kim Jong Il's cryogenically frozen brain in the year 2048, as his escape pod slowly and silently hurtles toward Betelgeuse 7. When Jong Il's pod lands on the planet, he will introduce Stalinist Communism to the predominant lifeforms on the planet: slug-like invertebrates about the size of Matchbox racers. In his first day as Supreme Leader of the slugpeople, Jong Il will ban all forms of hockey, underpants, alcohol and power chords in an attempt to prevent the mistakes of the past from reoccurring on Betelgeuse 7. The slugs will revolt and devour Kim Jong Il's skull, as they are quite fond of hockey and don't appreciate anyone taking it away from them.
Rileydog's real name is Paul. Bet you forgot that, didn't you?
*changed from the original Neil version
The slang use of "pussy" for women's vaginas was coined in an effort on the part of the Earth's male population to keep Rileydog, who dislikes cats, from having sex with every woman on the planet. The strategy has so far failed miserably, as Rileydog has simply taken a penchant for buggery.*
Canada's GDP decreases 5% when Rileydog sneezes, and increases 13% when he pops wood.
The Great Canadian Banking Crash of 1998 is also known within Canadian banking circles as "The Day Rileydog Fell Asleep At His Desk Chair After Two Consecutive Weeks of Natty Ice and Islanders Games"
Contrary to appearances and chronological time-line, the cover of Goodfellas is a direct ripoff of the promotional photograph of Rileydog's power trio band, not the other way around. As punishment for this trademark infringement, Rileydog infiltrated Pricewaterhouse/Coopers in 1990 and switched the envelopes on Awards night, causing Martin Scorcese to lose both Best Director and Best Picture in an upset to Kevin Costner's Dances with Wolves, and has so far remained Oscar-less thanks to Rileydog's behind the scenes blacklisting. Unknown to Scorcese, the choice of Dances With Wolves instead of Ghost or Awakenings is because Rileydog's Sioux Indian name is Listens to Rush With Wolves.
85% of Sloan's album sales are directly attributable to Rileydog's personal purchases. Sloan has so far sold 87,439,910 albums worldwide. Rileydog has gotten the funds for these purchases by interest free loans (payments not due until the year 2250) from his bank, which he secured by simply raising his eyebrow in a sensual manner at his bank CEO, who then became smitten with Rileydog and vowed to do whatever Rileydog asked. The CEO is male, heterosexual, and is married with 3 children.
The nation of Luxembourg has officially adopted vegetarianism as it's national eating practice in an attempt to mimic the lifestyle choices of Rileydog, who won Chancellorship in a landslide election in 2002. While vacationing in Luxembourg on a skiing trip, Rileydog's skiing moves so impressed the population of 470,000 Luxembourgers that a grassroots campaign to write-in vote Rileydog commenced, resulting in an astonishing 73% of the population voting for him. Rileydog refuses to acknowledge his leadership role or revisit Luxembourg, citing disdain for their "arse slopes".
When the last 30 seconds of Tool's "Faaip de Oiad" are played backward ("backtracking"), the sound of Rileydog brushing his teeth very fast with an electric toothbrush can be distinctly heard.*
Nikola Tesla invented the Tesla coil at the behest of Rileydog, who felt it would be pretty wack if the name of the band Tesla didn't have an already established backstory. Tesla invented the coil in large part from the information in Rileydog's 7th grade algebra notes.
Rob Halford isn't actually gay: he's just madly in love with Rileydog.
Pictures of Rileydog while drunk is the predominant currency in the Cayman Islands. The $1 Rileydollar bill has a picture of Rileydog after 6 Sleemans, in which his face is red. The $5 Rileydollar bill has Riley after 12 Sleemans, in which his eyes are beginning to cross and his hair is messed up. The $10 Rileydollar bill has Riley after 20 Sleemans in which he's vomiting in a sock drawer. The $20 Rileydollar bill has Riley after 32 Sleemans and he's riding a mechanical bull while wearing a lampshade on his head. Rumors on the internet suggest it's not a mechanical bull Rileydog is riding like a rodeo rider, but rather Queen Elizabeth. When reached for comment, Rileydog declined, saying "the Queen and I prefer our privacy."
The career of Nickelback is the result of a curse Rileydog inflicted on Canada after a particularly lousy cup of coffee at Tim Horton's. The coffee at Tim Horton's has been stellar ever since, but Rileydog continues to allow Nickelback to record and release music, as a warning and a constant reminder to the rest of us never to royally fuck up like that again.
Rileydog has won the Best Polka Juno seven years running. Rileydog has never actually made polka music in his entire life, but the Juno Award committee felt it would be apt to give Rileydog a Juno every year just on principle.
Rileydog attempted to strangle the Canadian Tire Guy in his sleep two years ago, only to find that the CTG had preemptively set up a 20 foot perimeter around his house packed tight with over 5,000 malnourished and mewling Siamese kittens as a defense for just such an occasion. Rileydog attempted to purchase a bulldozer to plow his way through the sea of kittens, only to find that the only brand for sale is "Caterpillar", and Rileydog refused to buy such a brand due to moral disgust. Rileydog is currently browsing the Abrams tank market.
The only weakness Rileydog has is a massive bombardment by a fleet of B-52 bombers dropping 600 metric tons of Manx cats. So far, no first world nation has grown the balls to attempt this campaign, as they fear Rileydog's Alt-F4 banking powers on their central economies, and thus Rileydog continues to do as he pleases.*
While practicing with his band, Rileydog discovered an entirely new power chord, dubbed "Scandinavian A minor sustained 180° triple back whammy," which sounded like 1,000 Molsons being cracked open at once. The power chord required Rileydog to use both hands on the fretboard and strum with his right foot. The band used the chord as the central hook to their debut self released single, "Scotty Bowman's Underoos, Eh?" The single developed a grass roots following until it was shown on MuchMusic, where it exploded to #1 on every pop chart across the globe within 4 days. As it turned out, the repeated sound of a thousand beer cans opening entranced much of the Earth's population, a sizable portion of whom were inspired to quit their jobs to sit around drinking beer all day. The economy collapsed and political chaos erupted, resulting in a flashpoint nuclear war, destroying civilization entirely. What we now think of as the present day in 2006 is actually the hallucinatory dream of Kim Jong Il's cryogenically frozen brain in the year 2048, as his escape pod slowly and silently hurtles toward Betelgeuse 7. When Jong Il's pod lands on the planet, he will introduce Stalinist Communism to the predominant lifeforms on the planet: slug-like invertebrates about the size of Matchbox racers. In his first day as Supreme Leader of the slugpeople, Jong Il will ban all forms of hockey, underpants, alcohol and power chords in an attempt to prevent the mistakes of the past from reoccurring on Betelgeuse 7. The slugs will revolt and devour Kim Jong Il's skull, as they are quite fond of hockey and don't appreciate anyone taking it away from them.
Rileydog's real name is Paul. Bet you forgot that, didn't you?
*changed from the original Neil version
