Freaks You've Dated

[limitdeditionlayla]

phil said:

I've only dated good "Catholic girls" ...

Well almost ...

I notice the word 'girls' is also in quotes there....

what was the problem, Phil? Were they really actually good Catholic boys?

[Ryosuke]

I'm going to use this as an advice thread, so that I know what not to do. It's been really educational so far. "Don't burn your hands" is a pretty useful dating tip.

[sisyphus]

haha

[tuneschick]

Aw Layla, I knew you'd come through too.

My dating tales pale in comparison. My dating history is filled more with hopeless losers than with psychos. Throw in a pinch of drug addiction, a dash of mental illness, a dose of spite and a handful of low IQ; stir in a generous helping of social retardation and bake until done.

That pretty much sums it up. It's a wonder I ever got married.

[frag]

Damn. I'm probably the freak on the other end in most cases.
That said, I've got a relatively clean palate as far as girlfriends go, though one girl claimed she saw things and heard voices from another realm. And she had this really strange way of drawing out everything she was saying. Somehow turned "Hi" into a three-syllable word. Last I heard, she was still calling my mom off and on trying to find me, all to no avail.

[Mary]

Well, I've told this story before, but this was the absolute worst date of my life. I can't really say I "dated" this guy, as I never saw him again after our first and only date, but nonetheless, the story is worth repeating:

We met at a record store in SF. It was just a convenient place to meet, we were going to move on from there and find other stuff to do, though we didn't plan anything specific. I presumed it would be easy enough to wander down the street, get some food, stop in at a cafe or a bar for coffee or beer, whatever. But this guy just seemed bizarrely incapable of doing anything. As soon as we walked out of the record store, he just became totally paralyzed and was a stuttering incoherent mess as he tried to make suggestions for where to go. I managed finally to drag him into a cafe, after he said he didn't drink, and in the cafe he launched into a long and incoherent tirade about how people who claim to like multiple kinds of music are liars. At this point I'd decided I had absolutely zero interest in this guy, but felt bad about abandoning him already because we hadn't hung out very long. So we leave the cafe and spend more time pointlessly standing around on the street while he makes 50 consecutive excuses for why he can't think of anything else to do. At this point a homeless black man comes up to us and asks for spare change, and my noble date promptly loses his mind and screams at the top of his lungs: "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM US YOU DISGUSTING FUCKING N*GGER"

Needless to say, I was completely horrified, and my jaw dropped so far I could probably have licked the ground. He saw my shock, and rolled his eyes and said "Oh come ON, don't give me some liberal PC bullshit about those fucking n*gger hobos" (on a side note, who says HOBO anymore??)

That was the end of the date. I told him to go fuck himself and walked off to take a bus home. You would think this would be the end of the story, but no. Upon taking the bus to the nearest subway stop, I realized I didn't have quite enough money for subway fare, so I marched off to an ATM machine which had an inordinately long line. I was wearing heels and my feet were killing me so I sat down on a bench nearby. Shortly afterwards a completely wasted, disheveled, and obviously insane homeless man staggered over and basically collapsed facedown on the bench next to me with an empty vodka bottle in one hand. I bolted upright off the bench, but after he dropped the vodka bottle and shattered it everywhere, he went so absolutely dead still that I got freaked out that maybe, just maybe, he had suddenly dropped dead or something. So I leaned over very close to him to make sure he was all right, and I even poked him a little and said: "sir? are you ok?"

At which point he threw up all over my shoes.

Thank you, I win. worst. date. ever.

Cheers,
M

[Fuzznuts]

Haha, that one never gets old!

[kmc]

Man, Mary, that sounds like the worst date ever.

Until recently, I only dated crazy women. My ex girlfriend, Jenn, was certifiably insane.

1) Jenn had ongoing mental conversations with the characters from "Sex And The City." She'd walk around the apartment asking Miranda or Samantha what she should wear, and wether or not they liked me.

2) She had this terrible fear of sex...she liked doing everything BUT the penetration deal, which made it, oh, the most sexually disatisfying relationship ever.

3) Two months into dating, we are in Washington DC visiting her parents for Thanksgiving, and (mind you, we've never discussed this), she decides to tell everyone in the dinner table that we are, in fact, getting married. My hair basically turned white at that point. Later that evening, her dad pulls me aside and tells me not to worry, she'd "done that before". Needless to say, I spent the weekend getting dragged to every single jewelry store ever.

4) She was lazy, didn't work, constantly took all of my money, and bitched because we didn't have nicer stuff in the apartment we lived in.

5) What brought it all to a close, however, was the fact that Jenn was a racist, which I basically discovered three seconds before calling it quits with her. She mentioned that she constantly had to reevaluate me as Brazilian and not black, because girls like her didn't really date black guys. Wow.

So yeah, crazy women. I don't date crazy women anymore, because now I am only into completely unapproachable girls. Which is, of course, my own brand of craziness.

[rockysigman]

This should be a category at the next awards show.

[phil]

This should be a category at the next awards show.

Which could happen before THIS year's show gets wrapped up ... !!

[samplestiltskin]

oh, shit, is it still going on? i started trying to read the awards thread but then i moved and only have internet at work and i just kind of gave up. hm.

um. yeah damn mary, that's a pretty awesome date. for some reason i love that you were all morbidly curious as to whether the hobo (there, i said it) had died. i'm not sure what i would have done.

every single fucking date i've had lately ends (in my head anyway) five minutes in, when i realize the person is completely mindless and/or needy to the point of mental instability. there was one dude i thought was pretty cool (even though i was not at ALL physically attracted to him) because he was extremely intelligent, but then he started camping out under my apartment window in the taxi he drives. I was so excited to have found an intelligent life form that I hung out with him once more after that, and the fucker would have raped me if i hadn't kicked him out.

i think almost every sucky boy i've dated's main problem has been insecurity. it all seems to boil down to that. if you're not secure and comfortable with yourself, don't date. of course, this advice does no good for you ryo, because you are already awesome and know it of course.

[shin]

Neilites know this story already but I'll paste it for your enjoyment. Circa November 2005:

About 3 weeks ago I went on craigslist to sell some Franz Ferdinand tickets (mostly just to get a glimpse of what they were going for before I decided exactly what to do with them) until I saw a post near the top entitled something along the lines of "ATTRACTIVE GIRL SEEKS TICKETS TO NINE INCH NAILS". I had an extra and hey, pretty girl wants to come, sure she can come.

So we play email tag for about a week and then we start talking about ourselves and found we had a lot in common. She said she was an 18 year old teachers assistant from Texas. Young, but ok. After a while we decide to meet up a few weeks before the show (her idea) and I pick her up at the train station last Sunday (she went to NYC to see a Hal Sparks show) to take her to dinner. She didn't quite look how I pictured her but she was cute enough, plus she had big bazongas, always a nice surprise.

She had seemed a bit flaky when we spoke on the phone before and something was still amiss during this night too. We ended up renting Seven to watch at her place and I was expecting some make out action...none came. Ok, nothing on a first date, I understand. But she had seemed really sexually and emotionally mature in our correspondence and interactions, so I was sort of surprised that nothing at ALL happened. Was I being dissed? Was she perhaps intimidated by me and our age gap (5 years)? It was a bit too early to tell so I let it go.

At first, before I got the tickets, it looked like I might not get them at all. So I made her an offer to go to another show I did have some for. She agreed and we were to go this Wednesday. Turns out the band canceled so we weren't going anywhere. She asked if I still wanted to do something anyway, and I said I did. We ended up going to the theatre to see this movie Nine Lives (she's a huge movie buff). Ok, so now I can make out with her in THIS movie right? Except not...she fell asleep in the theater during the movie. Ug, this is getting ridiculous. Then I think to myself "It's probably best we don't do anything before NIN because if we do and it goes horribly awry, that's going to compromise my promise to take her to the show and I don't like to do that. I don't think it would be cool to just say 'you were awful, no concert for you'." So I drive her home and drop her off. The next time we are to meet? This Tuesday at NIN.

And so...

On Friday I was taking one of my best friends to another concert (I refuse to divulge who, my cred will be severely compromised) when one of the opening acts mentioned his myspace account. I didn't have a myspace account, and I was like "you know what, I might as well make one of my own tonight and get this over with." So I get home and I make one. Then I'm out looking for people I know have one and making friend list requests.

And I'm thinking to myself "I wonder if that girl has a myspace account, I could have sworn she mentioned something about one once..." I do an email search and sure enough, there's her myspace page.

Now...

This girl had told me a lot of stuff about her life and where she had been. A lot of it felt like tall tales. My spider sense was tingling. Where she worked, where she had been, what she does, what she likes...I was relieved to see that most of it was true.

Except for three...important...things.

Number 1.

She's a virgin. This I actually wasn't surprised about. Went a long way to explaining about the flaky behavior. If her sexual maturity thing was a front, then it would make sense that in real life she'd be really nervous about sex and not eager to give it up easily. I'm ok with that.

BUT...

Number 2.

...she's sixteen years old. One of the thing she said about when she graduated high school at 16 was that she went to Europe for 2 years. Apparently she just went straight to Boston, and that was not two years ago.

And Number 3?

According to her myspace blog, we've already had sex...and I was terrible!

If you read the blog posts she makes about me, it becomes clear that she's either obsessed with me right now or she's incredibly scared of sex and simply creating fictional stories to help her cope. Either way my real time chances of this relationship going anywhere are now zero, largely because it's a fucking FELONY in Massachusetts to take the virginity of a 16 OR 17 year old (it appears she turns 17 next week, AFTER NIN and our pre-established relationship ends). Kind of hard to have a 16 year old girlfriend, let alone you're not legally allowed to have sex with.

At first I was shocked, then not shocked, then scared, then pissed off, and then I was ok with it...and now I'm still "OK" with it but I'm not eager to be taking this supreme cocktease to a fucking Nine Inch Nails concert when I could be back at Craigslist getting a REAL pretty AND legal goth whore to make this worth my while.

Sample from her as of now deleted blog posts:

I didn't feel a thing! Two and a half hours of foreplay (bless his poor little heart) and not a wink of pleasure. I feel so guilty for not pretending to enjoy myself, but I suppose the virtue of honesty is just one more thing that'll keep me out of hell.
So of course, I panicked. I never felt any more pleasurable a sensation than you would washing your hands, after petting and stroking and oral and penetration. I've formed so much of my identity upon being a "nymphomaniac" and having this God-like amount of insight into sexual behavior, when all I've really had to base this upon is masturbation and vague memories of past life experiences. So I sat down with Ben and after two and a half hours discussing my experience (bless his poor little heart) have come up with 5 possible diagnosises for my frigidity.

The internet. Nothing else quite like it.

[rockysigman]

Wow. That's pretty creepy. That blog could have gotten you into some pretty huge trouble if the wrong person saw it. Bless your poor little heart.

[shin]

Fuck, now that's starting here too.

[samplestiltskin]

eek. makes me never want to meet up with anybody on the internet again. you didn't take her to the show did you? i would have left her in the dust.