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Post by Thorngrub on Feb 10, 2010 16:10:22 GMT -5
Maarts I'm sorry to hear about this. Sending much love and positive energy your way, fwiw.
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Post by maarts on Feb 11, 2010 3:15:29 GMT -5
Cheers guys. Been hard to keep spirited but your messages do just that...thanks for indulging me.
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Post by maarts on Feb 12, 2010 5:01:46 GMT -5
the test results aren't good- three spots on both lungs. The worst thing though is that it looks like it has spread to tissue underneath her right armpit. If this is confirmed by a biopsy next week then basically she has no hope of recovery. The doctor refused to be drawn into any predictions but he did say that 'someone up there is pulling at her'. Another two weeks waiting for what may be the inevitable. And judging by the speed of things the next wait may not be so long.
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Post by maarts on Feb 26, 2010 6:35:56 GMT -5
The cancer has spread and is active. There's still one more testresult to come back but if the statement is true that there's nothing that can be done if the tumour has spread, then the end is closing in.
I'm just feeling numb, perhaps because of the fatigue setting in with the realisation that we all have to travel the same road once again what we did with my father. I'm not going to say that it was traumatic, he fought hard and we got to say goodbye to him, but the thought of my mother losing her strength, having to rely on medication to ward off any pain, her sweet face...it becomes too much. I've been able to postpone much of my feelings because of the waiting game the doctors play but the dread's starting to spread. I guess at the end of the week I know what I can expect.
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Post by RocDoc on Feb 26, 2010 10:43:15 GMT -5
ordinary words can't describe my feelings at this news, maart.
shit.
it's about her, maarts. you've got to be strong for her, as much as it all hurts.
you've got my prayers.
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Post by maarts on Jun 11, 2010 18:41:12 GMT -5
Got a call yesterday- mum's been checked out by her doctor and he's very surprised on how well she looks.
She keeps active and even if she doesn't have the same strength and energy she keeps herself occupied- she won't sit down and peter away. Recently she joined a bridge club, learning to play the game and a few weeks ago played her first tournament, coming in 8th with her partner in a field of 64! Our family home is sold as she needs to move to a place that is not so big. I'll be flying out to Holland next week to sort out belongings and also determine all the paperwork and decisions in regards to when she is no longer here.... Look forward to the break though.
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Post by maarts on Nov 12, 2011 20:38:18 GMT -5
Just reading the entries here, they are the only thing close to a diary I have. God, it has been so long, has it?
Mum died on October 16 of this year. She peacefully passed away with her children and grandchildren around her.
It's been an extraordinary year. A year where our family have all held our collective breaths for so long, knowing what to expect in the end, praying that she could be strong for as long as she could. This knowledge frustrated me enormously for so long- this inevitability and sorrow I felt for her that she had to die the same way as my dad did...the stress of being so far away and not being able to personally support her, questioning my decision to move to Australia for the umpteenth time...the only thing I could do is to ring once a week and talk and, on my way to work, walk past the church and say a prayer to the statue of Mary, the holy Mother who had played such an important part in my mothers' religious experience....praying for her to keep strong, say well and have peace.
At the beginning of the year we had a fantastic family outing with mum, my sister and her two kids and myself going to Gran Canaria for a week. Organised by my mother who, inspired by the doctor wanted to have one more family gathering now that she still had the strength to do so. It was an unforgettable time. When I left her in late February I knew that the next time I would be back probably was going to be the last time I'd see her. The emotion was very high.
Physically she kept very well though, much to the amazement of doctors who monitored the progression of her tumor which had spread but oh so slightly. They were more immediately concerned with the arythmical heartbeat and her weak lungs which were kept in check with medication.
The months passed by fluidly- I'd hear a lot about how mom passed the days by. She'd happily paint with a group of friends. She had a lot of friends spending time with her in her new apartment she had leased last year (away from our old, big two-story family home) or on trips into the city, having a drink on a terrace nearby, going to the theater..she was consistently busy and active as much as her physical state would allow her. Every week she'd be happy to tell me how tired she got of the many phone calls or the little things she was going to do- that was more important for her than to let me know about how she was physically. She was more concerned about my sisters' well-being than her own. At times I had to drag things out of her, like the fact that at one stage she couldn't do her own shopping anymore or that she had collapsed because of heart problems. But that was her, two steps back weren't as important as one step forward. We always had the agreement that we would be honest towards each other when we spoke and she did honor that, albeit in her own way, like putting that info away on page 6 of the newspaper rather than headlining it.
Around August though I started to get the feeling that she was getting weaker in quick fashion. The doctors had noticed more spreading of the cancer toward a spot under her armpit. Mum did take some more chemo-treatment for that which failed and after the last trial she quit as the pills she took made her incredibly nauseous. The little list of things she couldn't do anymore grew bigger, my sister who tried to help her out as much as she could, couldn't cope (she has a 40-hour job and two adolescent kids of her own who were very problematic at the time then too). On one day a friend of the family had visited her and was shocked how weak my mother had become- even though she had received a ot of help my mum was so stubborn as not accepting too much help ('too many strangers in the house') even though she desperately needed it. That friend contacted me and from that moment I knew that I probably had to dash back overseas soon.
That phonecall came around mid-September. Mum barely got out of bed, was consistently tired and she finally conceded that she wasn't going to recover from bad days, it was more likely that her situation wasn't going to get better- this was a major concession for her as she firmly believed that she would have still a lot of strength in her to have a 'good day'. I left on October 9- had to get my passport in order first. I arrived for the first time in Holland without my mother waiting for me at the airport.
When I arrived home she was waiting for me. That day medical services had brought a hospital bed that was placed in the living room- deja vu, as 3 years earlier we had the same thing for my dad. She would sleep in there and I would sleep in her bed in a bedroom that was easily accessible from the living room, so I could get to her quick if she needed me during the night. The first two day she was good, she came out of bed and sat on the couch and ate dinner at the table. The third day she would get into that bed and not get out of there as she had weakened so badly she couldn't...at that time she was getting a heady dose of morphine and OxyContin to quash the pain. She was very sleepy but amazingly, during the day she was very lucid, conversing with everyone. Her appetite declined very badly though but at times she would drink a bit of wine with friends....
One thing I have to say that has been the saving grace during all this has been the incredible amount of care people in her situation get when ill- the medical and social help was phenomenal. Mum already had a help in the housekeeping for two mornings in the week and, when she fell further ill and couldn't get out of her bed, there was permanent care- at the last she received nurses help three times a day, a nightwatch nurse and doctors permanently on stand-bye. Only in the Netherlands you can find such care for the dying and severely ill. The first weekend she was really bad in the mornings, up until the first nursing help came- once she was washed and we had changed her into new clothing and made her bed, she was ready to go.
Monday the doctor came and we discussed euthanasia. This is legal in the Netherlands and something we had discussed a long time ago; basically if my mother felt there was too much suffering that medication couldn't prevent she wanted her life terminated. Her doctor came to set those wheels in motion- for that she needed to draw up a statement and also talk to a second doctor who would confirm her sincere wish to die. Once that step was taken I knew for sure I had come home to watch my mother die. The next step she wanted to take is to say farewell to friends and family. So I set out to invite all those close to her. The next couple of days was a coming and going of people who tearfully said goodbye. It was such an emotional cauldron if not for the fact that I was consistently busy making coffee and serving people I would've got caught up in it too much. My mother was terrific. She conversed with people like nothing was ailing her. Her strength shone through in those days, I only can wonder how she really felt inside, the morphine sapping away all remaining bits of strength.
That Saturday all friends and relatives had left- only my sister, her two kids and me were left at her side. She had said goodbye to her own sister who was going to come back on Monday- we were making plans for after the weekend, including to see when her wish to die could be eventuated. After we were alone we talked and drank with mum grabbing a glass of white wine...then she told us she felt like having some Greek food- which we got and she did eat a few bits of souvlaki. She asked to watch some TV so we watched Funniest Homevideos and laughed a bit...mum slipped away to sleep. We did notice though that her breathing was different though, more laboured. Suddenly we knew- this was it. We were going to wait for the 9 o'clock nurse to confirm that the end was near...but before that happened my mother opened up her eyes and said' I think I'm about to go'...in that last lucid moment we all embraced her and said our goodbyes, told her to go see dad....she fell asleep. Four hours later, on Sunday morning she was gone...one month to exactly three years on the dot when my father passed away, also on a Sunday early morning.
We used to pun that 'mom was the executive director' in all that happened in those weeks- the people she wanted to see, when she wanted to go for the euthanasia-option and, when she felt that that was too far away (doctor didn't come until Monday), she decided how and when to die. She had chosen the moment when we were only four to pass away, as painlessly and smoothly as possible, without any doctor having to pull the plug on her- she decided it all because she knew how much we loved her and didn't want to inconvenience us or hurt us. It's amazing to think of all the sacrifice she must've made to give us all that comfort.
The following weeks went by in a trance. From the moment she was taken out of her house to the memorial service to the sad job of emptying out her house, my sister and I went through it all, trying to grieve with all the lovely people in her life around us but constantly busy wrapping up her affairs. I had never felt so tired in all my life, not even when my dad passed away did I feel this. The emotional strain I felt is still not even close to come out although when I came home and, for the first time in a long time when my phone didn't ring on Sunday evening I cried.
The first day I went back to work I passed the statue of the Virgin Mary, thinking about the prayers I had made...at once I understood how much She had answered them. My mother had made absolutely the most out of her situation, she had not suffered and was able to say goodbye to everyone in the most dignified of manners. The peace of mind that has created for our family is unmistakeably the biggest gift we could have gotten.
Everything that will happen from now on will feel weird, as everything now will feel like it's the first time- the first time Christmas with no parents, no New Years' call, no more birthdays....it's still all so unreal at this moment but I know that it will be offset against the fantastic memories I have of my mother, her life and her battle until the final end.
RIP.
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Post by Ayinger on Nov 13, 2011 3:51:18 GMT -5
Bless you man..and your mother. I'm thankful that you shared this..and brought us all closer together.
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Post by maarts on Nov 13, 2011 4:16:42 GMT -5
Cheers mate. Somehow it felt appropriate to post this here...these old boards harbor a lot of good, personal memories and friends.
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Post by RocDoc on Nov 13, 2011 9:59:43 GMT -5
the couple of pictures that i saw of her at the gran canaria holiday were touching. especially when you know that it was her last fling and as you said here now, totally of her own choosing - THAT says a lot to what sort of person your mom must have been. this was beautiful to read your feelings on how this happened to (pretty unavoidably, sad to say) unfold. thanks for letting us know you like this. you're obviously a very good guy - and the product of your parents' upbringing. you KNOW they're proud of you. ~ brought back so many memories of my own folks - tho today was going to be a remebrance even without having read your beautiful piece - today would have been my dad's hundredth birthday - actually it still IS but he's just not here to celebrate it with us. ~ fwiw, in america they don't call it euthanasia, but from experience(s), hospice pretty much IS the administrator telling you 'now we will stop the medications, wellll, UNLESS you insist we continue with some of them' - that and the signing of the DNR certificates shows you that now you can control it as much as you'll let them - tho in your mom's case (as 'executive director' no less - that's priceless), SHE had the full say so.
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Post by Thorngrub on Nov 14, 2011 10:22:45 GMT -5
Hey maarts, thanks for sharing, have a hug mate *hugz* All my best to you
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Post by maarts on Nov 15, 2011 5:34:19 GMT -5
Thanks Doc and Thorn....much appreciated.
In regards to euthanasia- that was really what was going to be applied, rather than 'palliative sedation' where the patient is brought to sleep and by withholding food and water, slowly dies on own accord. This is what my father took when he felt his life slip away. There are less legal implications for doctors with sedation than with euthanasia, which terminates life virtually immediately. Thank God we didn't have to, she had the strength to go by herself.
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